NOTE: The names of the organisations mentioned have been changed for privacy reasons.

Slashing my skin is the best remedy for the invisible-hands-on-my-body feeling.  The landlord is now suspicious that I am hiding an illegal cat or two in my flat.  Part of me does not think that slashing is a sign of good mental health. 

I decide to risk calling Community Mental Health for assistance. 

This is how it goes. 

I push many buttons before phone is answered.  I am passed between many staff members [during which I slash my arms AND thighs] before a human speaks to me. 

Human tells me to ring the sexual assault hotline.

The sexual assault hotline conversation is one sided and very, very brief.  Answering service tells me to leave a number and they will ring back.  I am suspicious of these people who cannot/will not answer their phone.  I do not believe that they will ring me back.  I do not believe it one little bit.  I do not talk to their answering service. 

I hang up. 

Ten minutes later and I clutch the phone and tap one foot.  The 1800DESPAIR hold music is very agitating.  1800DESPAIR is busy today and has a queue.  I lie on the floor and think about all the other self-harming people who are on hold today.  There must be many many of us.  An isolated little colony.  Perhaps there are not enough 1800DESPAIR people to talk to all of us.  This scares me. 

But then the music suddenly stops.  And a woman speaks.  I am slightly less depressed to hear a voice.  I am also very grateful that the agitating hold music has stopped. 

I briefly describe problem to woman.  Woman tells me I should think of something else.  Something to take my mind off my problems.  I look at the razor blade on the floor.  It is very visible there on the grubby lino.  I cannot think of another topic. 

So, she tells me she lives in Melbourne and today Melbourne is cold. 

Cold woman tells me to take “nice warm bath”.  It is 30 degrees.  Humidity is 1000 per cent.  I am really, really not cold.   And I do not own a bath.  I have a shower.  Just a shower.  Cold woman extols at length the virtues of “nice warm bath” and its impact on mental health.  Cold woman is obviously a warm bath devotee. 

I hold phone away from ear and wave it around in the air. 

Cold woman tells me that 1800DESPAIR limits calls to 15 minutes. 

I have one-minute left to feel better before she hangs up. 

Fifty of my 60 seconds are very very quiet as I panic. 

I will be alone again in less than a minute.  For the remaining 10 of my 60 seconds she tells me I should call the hospital if I do not feel better after warm bath. 

I feel cold when she hangs up.  I definitely do not feel good.  I want to tell someone about how I do not feel good.  I cannot have warm bath.  I do not want warm shower which will make my cuts sting.

 And I do not want to dial more numbers. 

I go back to slashing thighs.

This version written Dec, 2019; modified April, 2020