I am hyper vigilant.  Little things trigger me, stress me.  It permeates everything because the abuse permeated every part of my life. 

No joy, no activity was safe.

Socially what most triggers me is being in a group, especially if anyone touches me.  

Also, loud places, flashing lights, movement of people around me, dogs, and the sound of laughter. 

I’ve got better over time at controlling my panic, but I still really struggle. 

I’ve had some unhelpful reactions from friends over the years. 

I now pause before I accept invitations.

A positive reaction toward someone who is dissociative

• build-up – don’t make people feel small

• is one step toward ending a cycle of pain caused by the negative reactions of others 

Don’t:

• make a huge deal out of it.  Realise that I’m not in control

• ridicule me in front of other people.  Comments such as

  “she is not worth being with unless you get her drunk,”

  “she’s not even listening,” 

  “she’s not participating so there’s no point in inviting her,”

  “I can’t be bothered with you,”

  “you’re embarrassing,”

  “you’re a nuisance,”

  “you’re no fun,”

  “she’s an attention seeker,”

  “get over it,”

  “she’s dumb,”

  “she’s antisocial,”

  Are hurtful 

Don’t:

• physically grab me and try to force me anywhere. And, don’t think that it’s funny when I inevitably freak out.  I’m genuinely scared - it’s not a game

• give me angry, frustrated looks.  Know that I am doing my best and your angry looks will scare me.  The more negatively you react the less safe I will feel, and I will just dissociate more deeply and for longer

• assume that you know what the expression on my face means.  Just because I’m not smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I am struggling

I can’t show emotion easily and I’m not fun, but I do still want to be invited.  Know that:

• I can often sit at the edge of a group and be okay

• there are things which can help and make it less likely that I will dissociate

• there is no need to ‘tiptoe’ around me 

Do:

• when you invite me tell me what the event is going to involve – what will we be doing? Who will be there?

• let me help if there are jobs to do – let me have a job out of the way of the crowd.  It really helps to have something to focus on

• take the pressure off me – let me come into the group slowly or sit at the edge and just listen.  Please be okay with my silence

• if possible let me sit at the end of the table

• you don’t have to hover or feel that you have to entertain me - go and have fun and leave me at the edge.  I’m perfectly fine with that and it takes the pressure off all of us

• let me slip out of the room and be alone for a few minutes.  It takes every bit of energy just to be there, even though I want to be

• if you see that I’m struggling sit with me for a few minutes (if you would like to) and just be aware that I may not talk too much even though I appreciate you sitting there

• talk to me quietly and kindly

• please within reason give me space to do what I need to feel safer because I won’t come back from dissociation until I feel safe

• I understand that sometimes some of the things that would help me aren’t possible, but please be kind if you have to say no

• be aware that I feel terrible that I struggle.  I am ashamed.  There are things which help, but I can’t absolutely control if and when I dissociate.  Know that I’m doing my best

• forgive me for not being able to be who you want me to be

• if in doubt, ask me if I’m okay and/or give me space

Originally written Feb, 2019