NOTE: This is a snapshot of a typical hour or so in my head. The Blank bits are when I have dissociated for a second or two.

All names have been changed.

It was written before the Australian social distancing regulations.

I’ll pick up the bathmat later.  Sometime

I’m so tired

How many days have I worn these clothes?  Three, four?

Where is all the clean, ironed stuff?

Where am I supposed to be today?  Is it definitely Wednesday? 

Thank God for iphones

Where is that breeze coming from?

Did someone get in?

Yoghurt.  There is no yoghurt 

Didn’t I shop the other day?

Is that the door opening?

Dad

Where do I hide?

I can’t breathe

No dad

Please

 

Stupid.  Food all over the floor again.  Another chipped dish

My hands used to shake like that when I was 10

Get out of my head.  It’s not the door at the farm.  It’s just a flashback

Concentrate on cleaning the floor

I can feel the belt on my skin

Please no

Look at the floor.  Count tiles.  I am not at the farm

I’m going insane

Sing

O holy night

What am I supposed to be doing?

Oh yes.  Almost forgot.  Sylvia needs milk

I’ll have to go down to the shops

M, M

I’ll write it on my hand

I’ll get ink poisoning

Who cares

I’m too tired to clean my teeth.  No one is going to notice anyway

That filling has come out again.  No way am I going back to the dentist, not after that panic attack

These shoes hurt.  They smell.  I’m going to have to replace them, and my ‘good’ shoes

I can’t cope with shoe shopping

I wish there was someone to take with me 

Should I take the risk and buy some online?

How is my budget?

I should double check it in case I screwed it up

I spend my life endlessly re-doing tasks

No wonder I’m so slow

Oh, I meant to text Melanie for her birthday

Where’s a bit of paper?

I’ll just note it here

 

Should I go to Robyn’s party?  She always treats me like trash

She’d stop me leaving.  She’d refuse to open the electric gate

She’s pulled that sort of stuff before

She’ll be out of her brain drunk which will make it worse

How do I escape?  Could I climb the fence? 

What would I do if someone tries to hurt me at the party?  Throw something?

I don’t want to hurt anyone

I don’t want to be hurt

Am I capable of actually hurting someone – simply to get away?

Maybe I am dangerous

I shouldn’t be out in public

Please God take away these terrible thoughts

I’m not strong enough to fight back anyway

And fighting back makes them do it worse

 

Is that the Wrens?  How cute

Has the oven been on?  Have I left it on?

What’s that mark on the door?  Has someone tried to break in?

Check the lock again

I hate this cull de sac.  I can’t ever see what’s coming around the corner

Looks like Mia and David are still away.  I wonder if everything is okay

Who is that man?

He could pull me into that yard, and no one would see

If he corners me, I could try and run that way.  If their gate isn’t locked

Who would I go to for help if he rapes me?

There’s no one I could call

I could hide behind that tree

It’s ok.  Nothing bad is going to happen.  I’ve got this

Walk near the fence

There’s a gap.  Maybe I could squeeze through

 

When did I last wash my hair?  Yesterday?  The day before? 

If anyone asks, I’ll say it’s windswept or something

Third night of no sleep.  Even my eyes are in slow motion

Everything is a blur

Why does my stomach hurt?

Is it a body memory?  Or am I sick?

Why is it so far to walk?

That’s a pretty cool butterfly

 

[Jump.  Blank]

It’s ok.  It only backfired.  There’s no gun

At least I didn’t fall on the ground this time

My heart went weird like when I got electric shocks

I wonder if dad would have ended up killing me

Why is that car pulling over?  Three men.  Strong, young. Will they attack me?  They could pull me into the car

Please God, not again.  Please don’t let me be attacked again

It’s ok.  It won’t happen, hopefully.  I’ve got this

One day it will happen again

There’s a man behind me

Walk near the road.  Run into the traffic if he tries

I can’t breathe

Please Lord, don’t let him grab me

Everything is floaty

 

[Blank]

 

What am I supposed to be doing here?

I hate walking in doorways 

Why does the shopping centre have the light so bloody dim?

I can’t see who could be hiding there

Perfect for an ambush

It’s ok.  It won’t happen, hopefully.  I’ve got this

A pint of milk.  I wrote it down but maybe I got it wrong.  One pint or two?  Should I call and check?  She’ll be upset if I get it wrong.  I’ll just give her a quick call

I hope that I don’t see anyone I know.  Why won’t they listen when I tell them not to come up behind me and poke?  It is not funny

I can’t even trust my friends

Where is a wall to put my back to?

Three people out of the shop to the left

Four people in the cafe

People on the left, people on the right.  Seats in my way.  Prams.  Why does there have to be so many things to keep my eye on?

Stop moving!

What’s that flash?

 

[Blank]

 

I hope no one saw me jump

He’s coming at me too fast.  Don’t touch me!

Walk faster

I am so tired

 

Why does Coles keep moving everything?  I can’t find anything 

Why are they blocking the aisle? 

Just move and give me a clear path

Move!

Did I put the correct copyright on that document last year?  I can’t remember.  What will happen if I haven’t?  Have I screwed this up irreparably?

I’m such a stupid person.  Dad was right

I’m not stupid.  Isabelle said

What am I supposed to be buying?

What is she doing with her hands?

Which way should I go?

I’ll go down here to avoid her.  Don’t know what she’s doing with her hands

I promised to email Mark some info he wanted

I think the deadline is tomorrow

Keep it to 12 items.  Faster to get through that checkout

That is such a cute baby.  I wish I’d been able to have kids

The music in here is appalling 

I wish dad hadn’t cut off my piano lessons.  Would have been nice to finish all the grades

Thought he was going to kill me when he found out about those secret music lessons

Get your hands off me

The hands aren’t there.  I’ve got this.  It’s ok

Everything is going floaty

Intellectualise it.  Ground it.  This is a flashback.  I am at Coles.  That is a Mars Bar

The queue is so long

I am tired.  Wish I could sit down

Count.  1, 1, 5, 2, 8, 8, 3

Was it a pint I was supposed to get?  I wrote it down twice but maybe I misheard 

I’m so dopey I’ve probably written it down wrong

My head is shot to pieces

Should I call her again?

I’ll let that lady with the walker go in front of me

She only has one thing

I can cope a couple extra minutes, surely

Did I save that new document on just one hard-drive or both?

 

What’s that noise?

Turn your phone off!

I’m squashed

Move back!

I can’t breathe

I didn’t get the yoghurt

Should I get some?

I’ll lose my place in the queue

I can’t do it

I don’t have the energy

Stop pushing my back.  I can’t go forward any more 

Why can’t they open another checkout?

Count.  Keep counting.  That will stop the heart race, maybe

Stop pushing me.  His belt looks just like dad’s

Please no

I can feel something on my neck

It’s ok.  It is a flashback.  There is nothing tied around me

He won’t take it off.  Will he?

Belts should be banned

No, that’s selfish.  Everyone should get to wear what they want

I’m such a terrible person

Will anyone help me if he takes it off?

Don’t touch me.  It already feels like I’ve got hands on me

He is pushing closer

Dad’s belt, dad’s belt.  His hand

I want to cut my skin off

Don’t scream, don’t scream

I can’t breathe

Count

Please hurry up

Don’t faint.  I don’t want to go to hospital.  They will lock me up

Please heart, stop doing that thumping thing

Please hurry up!

 

You are so nice for asking.  No, I am not okay.  I am crumbling.  Wish I could tell you that

I need to get out of here.  I should use self-service

But that does people out of a job

I screw up self-service every time anyway, and everyone gets angry

Maybe if I chew gum it will help

Where is my gum?

Yes sir, I know that it is rude to chew gum.  You don’t have to tell me.  I am trying to cope

I should be able to cope.  Why am I so worthless I can’t even cope standing in a line of people?

Is he taking that belt off?  It’s ok, he won’t.  I need to get out

I’m going to scream

Surely someone here would help if he grabbed me

I gave you a bag.  Please help me pack it.  Don’t ask for money – I haven’t finished.  Why can’t you help?  Can anyone see my face is red hot?  I am moving as fast as I can

Yes, I am trying to put in my PIN number

If that man would stop moving around, I might be able to get my eyes on the numbers

The inside of my head is starting to look blank

I am going to faint

What’s that lady at the counter doing?

Please keep your hands still

Stop racing heart

I’m so embarrassed

Get out of my way

I’m sorry I’m rude

Don’t touch me

I need to get out of here

Get away from me

I hope I don’t see anyone I know

I hope no one touches me

Three people coming out of that shop

It is ok.  The noise is just a kid

I am so sad, down deep

I need to sit

There is nowhere safe to sit.  Where I can sit with my back to a wall?

 

[Blank]

Maria looked sad yesterday.  I wonder if she’s ok.  Maybe I could help

Two minutes.  And I’ll be home

I can do this

Have I taken my medication?  Will I collapse if I haven’t taken it?

I wish council would knock down that wall.  Anyone could hide behind it

Two cars coming.  One in the opposite direction

A magpie

No people

What’s the rustle in those bushes?  It’s large enough for a crouched person to hide

Why did I come this way?  Stupid.  I am not stupid

What’s that shadow? 

Please God, not again.  Please get me home safe

Why are those people standing so close?

Please change lights, please change

Come on!

Is there a gap?  Do I have time to nick across?

Thank you God for making them change

Where did that car come from?  I’m already on the crossing.  Stop!

I am floating

 

[Blank]

 

How did I get home? 

What happened after the red car?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Everything is fog

I hate going out

My head is splitting

Should I take Panadol?  I can never track how many I’ve taken

I must double check the copy-right on all those docs

I don’t want to let anyone down

Everything looks floaty weird

I can’t think straight

I am so incredibly tired

 

I forgot to take the milk to Sylvia

I’ll have to lie down first

I’ll ring, tell her it will be this afternoon

I’ll make a cup of tea

 

More junk emails.  Ten just today.  Stop bombarding me 

Another text message from the chemist 

It’s doing my head in

There’s another myGov letter.  It will be bad news.  It’s always bad news

What will I do if Centrelink cuts off my disability pension?

I can’t even understand the letter

Am I supposed to do something?

 

How many text messages can a person get in 2 minutes?

Please confirm your appointment.  Yes or No

What if I put Yes and the machine thing gets it wrong?  I’ll lose the appointment

Do I have to confirm if I’m definitely going to be there?

I think that I was meant to reply

Glad it has a confirmation of date and time

Thank God for people who make my life easier

Stop ringing.  Stop the noise!

Stop jumping

Where is my phone?

Don’t ask me how I am.  I have no idea.  My head is a black hole

The appointment has been cancelled.  I was counting down the days

I don’t know if I can get through another five days

They didn’t explain why.  What’s gone wrong?  Is it something really bad?

My head is exploding

 

[Blank]

 

Stop jumping

How do I turn that email alert noise off?

I feel defeated

Stop ringing!

David is chasing up the work I did three months ago

I did it, sent it

He can’t find it

I can’t deal with this

Too much shrapnel

No, I can’t tell you off the top of my head

I can’t answer your question

Everything is mixed up in my head

It is too much effort to get straight all the things I have to say

My words are frozen together

The sentences are all tangled strings

This conversation is unmanageable right now

I can’t listen to you and the banging outside

I sound stressed because I am

I am too tired for this today

Who is banging?  Is it a tree branch?

He’s really mad

I am totally overwhelmed today

Dad hammered me like this

Having to crawl all over the roof was terrible

I hate his guts

I’m a bad person

God says I’m supposed to love everyone

 

What is that rattle?

Is it downstairs?

I am going insane

I can’t let anyone know

What would all my successful friends think?

What they always do:  why can’t you do something useful?

 

Another light bulb gone.  Every time I fix something, there is something else to do

I’m scared of the ladder

If I fall no one will notice for days

I’ll do it sometime.  I can see in the dark ok

 

It keeps feeling like someone is behind me

Can’t breathe

Did I lock the door?  Both doors?

If they rape me maybe that will be the last time.  Maybe I should just let them do it

I don’t want it to be more than one person 

It’s ok.  The screen door is a good one.  I have already checked like 30 000 times

Water bill.  How can it have gone up?

Because I must be wasting water.  I am so stupid

I am not stupid.  Isabelle said

It makes my aching body feel better

But there’s a drought on

It was bad on the farm when the cattle started starving

I wonder how many others have these endless intrusive memories

 

[Blank]

 

What am I supposed to be doing?  Why does my head keep going into some blackhole? 

I can’t remember the last, how long?

What have I been doing?

Am I hungry?

When did I last have an actual real meal?

Sylvia gave me those left-overs on Sunday, but it was beef

I tried to eat it, but I had to chuck it.  I am such a bad person 

Hungry is better than childhood-beef flashbacks

If I was at Robyn’s she would name and shame me

Why can’t she see that I am doing my best?

They all seem to think that I’m not trying hard enough to heal 

I’ll make a cup of tea

My feet are killing me

How am I going to get the burnt smell out of the microwave?

Five days, and still it won’t go

I don’t even know who to ask

My mother isn’t an option

Facebook?

I love this little stag ornament 

Oh, I promised to write down that recipe for Rachel

I forgot

Why can’t I remember things?

Must do that today

At least I do eventually remember things.  And I always get all the work done that has to be done

Takes me longer

That’s ok.  I still get it done.  I am not letting anyone down

Just more of a challenge for me

Everything is a bloody challenge

I’ll have to water that plant

I’ve never seen a lily that tall.  I’ll take a photo.  Don’t know what for but I will anyway

That task I was going to do.  What was it? Did I actually do it?  Need to double check

I can’t remember

Is that a gap under the fence?

Could a person fit under that?

I wonder what it would feel like to have a loving family

 

Maria frowned at me the other day.  I wonder what I’ve done wrong.  How am I going to repair the relationship?

Should I call and ask what I’ve done wrong?

I don’t know what I did.  I didn’t mean to hurt her, if I have

Never knew what I’d done wrong with mum either, but it always ended badly

I wish the people next door would keep their cat in.  I am sick of it freaking me out.  Like it thinks it’s some game to leap out at me whenever I go outside

 

Writing.  I wanted to finish all that writing.  And washing and ironing and there are too many things

How do I spell that word?  I should know

The letters are all mixed up

I knew it a sec ago

Am I getting dementia?

Why is my head gone stupid?

I can’t think.  My head is going blank

Did I save that article to both hard-drives?  Or just the white one?

I can’t stop writing.  It’s pouring out

All this random paper.  Too much to even organise.  It’s everywhere

I have too much to say

I shouldn’t be writing four things at once.  Focus

I have to write faster.  I could drop dead at any time

Why does everything take me so long?

I’m stupid just like dad said

I’m not stupid.  Isabelle said

I feel stupid

Sarah is still sick.  Will she get better?  Is she going to die?  Please God don’t let her die

She has family, is doing good in the world, a lovely person

What’s that scraping noise?

Is there someone in the house?

Is that dad’s aftershave?

I’ve already checked the door.  Stop checking!

One day he will turn up at the door

It’s just a matter of time

I feel like I’m in a vice

I can’t even disappear.  He’d find me

I want to scratch my skin off

Too tired to do anything

Why does my chest hurt?

Don’t cry.  I won’t stop

I need a hug

I am so self-centred

Why can’t I just get myself together?

Another text message about nothing

I want to rip my head off

Complex PTSD, that’s what I should have put on all those docs – not PTSD

Why can’t I even think of simple things?

Why can’t I think straight?

Christmas cards.  Will people mind if I only say “Merry Christmas”?  I don’t have the energy to write anything more

What would I say about my life anyway?  I’m a failure

Except for some of my writing.  Some people actually think it’s good 

Whoever would have thought

I hope that I don’t screw it up

Maybe I already have

Milk.  I can’t forget to drop off the milk.  One pint.  That’s what it says on my hand.  But is that right?

Too much of my life is spent blank

I am tired

Every part of me aches

I can’t even see straight

 

This version written November, 2019, revised May, 2020