Masks - Not innocent fabric
NOTE: This is my own opinion based on my experiences and may or may not be helpful strategies for others
It is ‘just’ a mask.
Who could have known that an innocent looking scrap of fabric would turn sinister once secured over my face?
That it would remind me of things indescribable, suppressing my scream, smothering my breath.
I know that masks are safe. Masks do not smother.
But. I also know, cloth can.
The mask which is safe over the face of others, to me, represents death.
I’ve tried the surgical and the cloth versions (with their triggering suck in and out as I breathe/talk); and the high-tech ones (plastic cage at the front preventing the suck, fiddly strap at the back preventing rapid removal).
Either way, nightmare inducing.
Often, I do not want to go out. Wearing a mask is exhausting, a fatigue which lingers for hours.
The type of mask matters
- Appearance
for me that means no fabrics in pinks or yellows
- Designed for rapid removal
no complicated ties
- The more the mask sucks in and out when talking/breathing, the more panic inducing
Forget gung-ho
- Slowly get used to the mask AT HOME alone first – not in a shopping centre
put it on for a few seconds, then take it off. Work up by minutes over days or weeks
- Practice
during solo low-stress activities
writing, reading, piano practice, ect
start with activities involving movement
housework, gardening etc (movement = less likely to feel physically restrained)
In public
Masks add to ‘out in public’ fear
- Usual fear of being attacked + feeling of suffocation + flashbacks + fear of fainting and being carted off to hospital
traumatising
- Harder to read faces, forces me to make eye contact
feel more vulnerable
- Increases hyper alertness
feel like a target for assault if I stop to put a mask on
has to go on before I leave the house
- Makes being out exhausting
the longer I have it on my face the worse the fatigue
make trips short
Masks can screw up some existing coping strategies
- No appropriate way to remove the mask, pop calming chewing gum into my mouth and then reapply the mask in a supermarket queue (It is impossible to chew anyway without the mask moving around)
try out some new strategies or adapt other existing ones (such as the ones below)
MOve
- The more I am physically moving, the easier to cope
run my fingernails up and down my leg in the queue, tap my foot, minimise sitting/standing still etc.
Anything numerical calms
- Breathe in for the count of 5, hold for 5, breathe out for 5 (or whatever number I think up at the time)
count:
steps from one location to the next
number of groceries in someone’s trolley
in random patterns
Self-talk may/may not help
- For example
“The light-headedness is not asphyxiation”
“I will not faint in this queue, thus will not get carted off to hospital”
“I am not gagged – I can speak”
“People will not hit me because they think I am sick”
“I can get it off quick smart. No one is holding it on. I am in control”
- Sometimes doesn’t work as it adds to the complicated self-talk already in my head
reduced ability to complete tasks
use lists, shop in familiar places, limit the number of tasks to 1-2 per trip
Seize easier
- Don’t feel safe in public?
get out. Get home
- Home delivery
offset the delivery fee by bulk buying
- Utilise phone/video technology rather than face-to-face contact
- Do not eat before putting the mask on (reduced likelihood of panic induced nausea)
The mask does not need to be sinister
- To me, it represents death
fear of suffocation
- Flip the thought
it can also prevent death
wearing it, I am less likely to make someone sick
Having said all that, there are still times when that mask crafts images in my mind that no one else can see, terror that no one else can feel.
I panic.
Most people do not get it.
Embrace the ones who do.