Mind what you say: Responding to disclosures of PTSD or child abuse
So, for whatever reason, I (or someone else) have disclosed that I have PTSD and/or that I was abused as a child.
The way people respond to that disclosure is important.
Even well-meant, just one comment can belittle, embarrass, shame, isolate, erode trust, disempower, make me feel trapped, or shut me down.
Or it can build me up, reduce isolation and increase feelings of support.
Take care what you say.
Here are the sort of comments I tend to get, and some examples of more helpful responses:
The VOYEURISTIC
‘Were you beaten all the time?’
‘OMG! Tell me what happened…I won’t tell anyone. Just my husband. But he won’t say anything either’
More helpful
Instead, why not say
‘It must be hard to talk about. You tell me as much or as little as you feel comfortable with’
The SURVIVOR SHARERS
‘I was abused too [details own abuse history]’
More helpful:
‘I’ve got PTSD as well. Do you find it hard to be in crowds too? What helps you?’
The AVOIDERS
Sudden change of subject
Loud ‘hi-how-are-you?’, dashing off before I can answer
Greets everyone else in the room, giving me a wide berth
Reduce own discomfort by inviting others in (with or without my permission)
‘Does xxx know? Just a sec, I’ll see if I can get his attention’ (leaves as soon as xxx arrives)
More helpful:
‘I don’t know how to respond. Is there something helpful I could say or do?’
‘I’m not sure I could cope with hearing the details, but do you want to just hang out sometime? Go to the movies?’
The INSENSITIVE
‘Put her near the door. She’s got mental health issues’ (shouted across a crowded room)
‘Isn’t it time to let it go, love? Just move on’
‘You poor thing’ (sudden bear hug - refuses to let go even as I struggle)
‘Why didn’t you tell me?? I thought we were friends’
More helpful:
‘Are you okay with me having a private chat with xxx to work out safe seating for you?’
‘This must have been difficult to disclose. Thank you for trusting me’
The JUDGEMENTAL
‘Did you tell anyone at the time? Other kids could have been at risk’
‘Are you sure it was abuse? There’s two sides to a story’
More helpful:
‘I’m sorry to hear that’ (giving me the benefit of the doubt)
The IRRITATED
‘I suppose you want special treatment?’
‘You’re going to be more work for the staff’ (comment from a nurse)
More helpful:
‘Thanks for letting us know. That’s helpful information’
‘We can’t create a perfect environment, but we’ll negotiate wherever we can to make this safer for you and workable for everyone’
The COMPARERS
‘You think you had it tough? I got the strap every day when I was young, and I don’t go around looking for attention’
‘There were no fancy names for it back in my day. We just had to get on with life’
More helpful:
‘I can relate. It’s tough, isn’t it?’
‘There’s a lot of hurting people out there. Have you got any suggestions for how society could better address the root causes?’ (leading into an exchange of views)
The MISINFORMED
‘That’s that disease where you remember stuff that never really happened, isn’t it?’
‘You should meet my sister. She’s schizophrenic. You’ve got so much in common’
‘No, you don’t. If you really had PTSD you’d be more incapacitated’
More helpful:
‘Correct me if I’m wrong…’
‘I don’t know much about it, but I’d like to. Would you feel comfortable describing what it’s like for you?’
The ARMCHAIR THERAPISTS
‘I know a great therapist/innovative therapy/new theory/support group’
‘You will only get better if you have [insert type of therapy]’
‘You need to face your fears’ (corners me, holding me by the wrists as I scream)
More helpful:
‘If you could have more support, what would you ask for? Is there anything you need?’
The AVENGERS
‘If you don’t go to the police, I will’
‘You must name them publicly – break the cycle of shame’
‘Let’s ring up your abusers and threaten them. We’ll do it anonymously’
More helpful:
‘I understand it would be difficult to go to the police, and no one can make that decision for you, but if you do I’ll support you in any way I can’
‘I’ll respect whatever you decide to do’
The OVERCAUTIOUS
‘We’d prefer that you did not babysit/be a bridesmaid/bake the birthday cake. With PTSD, you might not be reliable’
‘Maybe there’s another job you can do. I’ll get back to you’ (never does)
More helpful:
‘If you bake the cake, I’ll transport it for you’
‘Let’s negotiate tasks’
The SENSITIVE
‘Is there something I/we can do to make this event/activity/environment safer for you?’
‘I’d really like to understand’
‘Would you be interested in sharing any of your experiences to help others?’
‘Do you mind people asking you about it? Or would you prefer me to back off?’
‘I’m not perfect, but I’m here for you as much as I can be’
‘I am so sorry that happened to you’
‘I care’