Wolf
A human forced to be a dog, breaks.
My father. He created Wolf. Inadvertently.
Because, as child-me crumbled in my middle, at the moment I realised I was alone, a wolf leapt out.
And growled, just quietly.
Wolf.
The curator of my deepest stories.
But. There are wolves, and there are wolves, and this enigmatic creature never conformed, even to my own imaginings.
Wolf was stubbornly Wolf.
Not a persona or an imaginary friend (although I have described it as such), Wolf was my nucleus – linking split parts, reforming them into something stronger.
An image, a comforting weight around my heart, a knowledge, a brush of fur against my skin, Wolf was always there, neither inside me or out. I was Wolf, Wolf was not me. Ageless, timeless, not she, he or it. Black, brown, cream, grey. Beauty perfected, mangy like a well-loved toy dragged by the tail. Perfectly mannered, not always nice.
Serious, playful, loving, wise, a radar for trouble, sometimes the cause of it.
A shapeshifter, Wolf changed to fit my need: companion, a wiper of tears, a fighting spirit, a hug, protector...
Subtle, swift shifts, like eyes adjusting to changes in light.
Those wolfish eyes looked ahead, aware of behind, the keeper of, what is to me, flickery scenes in a damaged film.
More than I, Wolf knows what happened - when I do not understand the horror flickering across my mind, Wolf does. And shields.
Our strength, Wolf carries my deepest pain -
A tale reduced to smells and skin feelings.
For things beyond words.
Born out of brokenness no one has ever known what to do with Wolf, nor me.
How do you recognise such wild brokenness?
Who wants to take the time to understand? Or has the courage?
Who wants to deal with a wolf??? Or get close to one?
Because Wolf is no longer invisible.
Merging over time, some now sense a hint of wolfishness in me.
A glint in my eye, that subtle change in tone, and a rage misinterpreted as savage, because Wolf was never out to kill.
Wolf is my goodness, unchanged, as my heart life-hardened.
A curious tension:
Show me injustice and Wolf growls, still quiet, but with a bit more teeth.
