What matters

My childhood was difficult. Difficult childhood = mental illness. I was told this. I am mentally ill. I was told that too.

And instantly I do not fit into society.

I repel. I am a lone ant on a chocolate brownie. An ant with no friends. If I had more self-esteem I could say I see the coolness of ants.

I could boast that all ants can hear, but not one of us has ears.

Or lungs. I could proudly tell you that I am an ant and ants are special. Ants inspire. Ants matter.

But.

When one is mentally ill sometimes one’s mouth becomes too tired to move. When one is mentally ill sometimes much of life becomes silent. Sometimes much of life slams shut. Sometimes much of life sucks.

I ponder this as I flick listlessly through latest sale catalogue. Camera with zoom lens is on sale. I do not need camera with zoom lens.

Perhaps I will buy it for society. So people can really see me.

As I march past with that chocolate brownie.

Did you know that ants are very strong?

Originally written 2006; edited Dec, 2019